


Don't worry about me

by Obsessive_mishamigo



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Depression, Fired, First Kiss, Frances - Don't Worry About Me, M/M, Porn With Plot, Self-Harm, Smut, Suppressed Feelings, death of friend (not major character), dont worry, ghost writer - Freeform, there is fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-18
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2019-02-04 00:23:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12759288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Obsessive_mishamigo/pseuds/Obsessive_mishamigo
Summary: Dean has had a lot on his mind lately. Things happen to make it worse. He struggles to dean with it.





	1. Chapter 1

He held his face in his hands. He wasn't sure how he’d gotten to this place. He knew it would only get worse if he didn't do something. 

He looked at his phone which blinked, indicating a new message. Seeing who it was from, he ignored it. This was no one's business. How he felt was no one's business. 

The phone continued to buzz periodically indicating several messages. He knew he couldn't keep ignoring them. The messages were all from one person. He responded with something bland that didn't give away how he felt.

If he was honest with himself, he wasn't sure how to put into words how he felt. He just knew it didn't feel right. It didn't feel good. But he was rarely honest with himself anymore. He needed to lie to himself to make it convincing to others. 

His phone buzzed again. He'd been friends with Cas for a while, but he still hadn't told him what was going on in his head. Cas kept checking in on him. 

C: Is everything ok? You seem down.

D: yeah, I'm fine.

C: can't find you. Where are you?

D: I want to be alone.

C: I know there's something you're not telling me.

Dean didn't respond. He'd recently chosen new places to hide or be alone. He didn't understand why things were affecting him differently now. He just wanted it to stop. 

Cas was worried. He knew Dean's favorite places to go, but he wasn't at any of those places. He kept driving around trying to figure out what was going on with his friend.   
Cas knew Dean was going through a tough time, but he wasn't sure what sparked this new downward spiral. Dean had always internalized everything. Cas had learned that quickly. He also learned that asking about it made Dean shut down and either hide or find something else to occupy himself. 

Cas saw something in a park that he didn't expect to see. There was a person in a familiar shirt trying to appear hidden in a tree. Cas parked his car and went to investigate. He climbed the tree beside the one he’d noticed. 

Dean watched silently as his friend struggled a little to get up the tree. He knew Cas was strong, but he wasn't as agile as he appeared. Dean climbed higher to the last branches that would hold his weight. He knew Cas had good intentions, but Dean knew that wouldn't help how he felt. 

Cas finally climbed up to the same level as Dean. “Kind of high, aren't we?” he remarked. 

Dean raised an eyebrow but didn't respond to the question. “Said I wanted to be alone.” 

“Yeah, you also said you were fine. You've never climbed the trees in the park before.” Cas tried to keep worry from his voice knowing that would push Dean away. “It's an interesting choice.”

“Used to climb trees as a kid. So?” Dean was shutting down. 

Cas shrugged. “It's a nice park. Did you mean to pick a tree where you could be seen from the road?” 

Dean shrugged. “Doesn't matter.”

“Sam is looking for you too. He's worried.” Again, Cas controlled his voice.

Dean looked out over the park. “He wouldn't look here. How'd you find me?”

“I wasn't thinking like Sam.” Cas shifted carefully so as not to fall. “How is this comfortable for you? You've been up here much longer than I have.” 

Dean shrugged. “Doesn't bother me. It's quiet up here.”

Cas knew he meant something different, but he wasn't sure how or if he should ask. “You should probably go home for dinner so Sam doesn't worry so much he calls the cops.”

“Why? You're just going to text him.” Dean glanced at the phone in Cas’s hands and then looked away. “Sam needs to mind his own business.” 

“You're his brother. Doesn't that make you his business?” Cas asked.

Dean looked at him blankly. “I don't see you concerning yourself with your brothers and sister.”

Cas grimaced slightly trying to force it to look like a smile. “I'm going to pretend you didn't say that. Dean, you should probably eat something before Sam realizes you've lost weight.” 

Cas began climbing down the tree. Dean watched. He looked himself over and decided Cas was right. He had started showing signs of weight loss. He followed Cas to the ground. 

“How about I take you somewhere for dinner so you don't have to go home yet?” Cas suggested. Dean nodded. 

Cas took Dean to one of his favorite places. “Trying to cheer me up won't work, Cas,” he said glumly. 

“Oh, no, I brought us here because I like the food.” Cas busied himself with the menu. 

During dinner, Cas stuck to light topics. He didn't bring up why Dean had hidden away or why he'd been spending so much time alone recently. Instead, he talked about work and his studies. Grad school wasn't easy, but he was sticking to it. Dean clammed up when he was asked about work. 

“It's fine.” He hadn't told Cas or Sam he'd gotten fired a couple of weeks ago. He'd been looking for a job, but he hadn't had any luck so far. Dinner was over and they were on their way back to Dean’s place.

“That. What is that? What you're thinking about right now?” Cas asked suddenly. 

Dean shook his head. “Not happening.” 

“Dean, you tell me everything. Well, you did until recently, even things I didn't want to know about.” Cas glanced over at Dean. “Did you walk to the park?”

Dean nodded. The park was only a couple miles from where he lived. He sighed deeply. “I got fired.”

“Did they give you a reason?” Cas asked cautiously. 

“Yeah, but I'm not up to share just yet.” Dean carefully closed off again. “Thanks for the distraction,” he said as they parked. 

“You should tell Sam. He needs to know.” Cas nodded curtly. “Next time you need a distraction, don't hesitate.”

Dean closed the door knowing Sam was waiting for him. “Sam, don't, not this time. I don't need a lecture.” He put his keys on the hook by the door. 

Sam hesitated in speaking. “Cas told me he took you for dinner. Have fun?”

“Stop tiptoeing and say what you want to say.” Dean crossed his arms over his chest.   
“I was worried, man. I couldn't find you anywhere. What am I supposed to think?” Sam asked.

“That I'm out job hunting because I got fired. Happy?” the look on Dean's face challenged Sam to say something. “I'm going to bed.”


	2. Chapter 2

Sam was on the phone with Cas. “He needs help. Cas, he doesn't eat unless one of us makes him. He's constantly disappearing. Who knows what he's doing in his room?”

“I understand the concern, Sam. I'm worried about him too, but you can't recommend help. He'll just run away from it and you.” Cas knew Dean. “The best thing we can do is let him come to us. He knows we care. He's just not ready to admit whatever is bothering him.” 

“Yeah, I guess.” Sam hung up the phone and looked around to make sure Dean hadn't heard him. 

Dean had heard Sam. He knew his brother was worried about him and that made him feel worse. He slipped out his bedroom window and down the fire escape as quietly as he could. 

Dean walked the streets. He didn't mind that it was a little on the cold side. He had no intention of stopping where he did, but when he got there, it made sense to him. The grave at his feet had his dad's name on it. The one beside it was his mom. 

“Hey, Dad,” he said as he sat in the grass. “I'm sorry I haven't lived up to what you wanted me to be.” He pulled a pocket knife out from his pocket. It was one his dad had given him when he was little. He remembered his mom saying he was too little for such things and took it away. Uncle Bobby had given it back to him after they died. 

He spun the blade in the grass not really caring what happened. “How does anyone do this? It all just sucks. Sam and Cas want me to get help. They think I'm crazy,” he went on. “I don't need help. I need out. I miss you, Dad.”

He took the blade and began to scratch his arm with it. At first, it was just a small scratch. Then he dug the blade in a little more. He watched the blood bead up from the small hole. It wasn't in a place that would bleed quickly, but it did make him feel something. He drew a couple more small lines with the blade. After doing this, he felt better than he had in weeks. 

The sun was setting and he knew Sam would be looking for him soon. He heard footsteps approaching but didn't look up. He kept playing with the knife in the grass and hid his wrist. Whoever passed by didn't need to see what he'd done. 

When the footsteps got closer, Dean put the knife back in his pocket. Cas didn't say anything, just sat beside him. “Sam send you?”

“No, I texted you, but you didn't answer. I thought we could hang out. But you weren't home. Sam did start to freak out a little, but I told him if you were going to do anything stupid or reckless that we would probably know.” Cas said quietly. “He's hard to calm down and reassure.”

“Yeah, well, you can see why.” Dean motioned to the gravestones in front of him. “I haven't been here since it happened. Sam used to run away to here when we lived with Uncle Bobby.” 

Cas took Dean’s hand in his. Dean flinched slightly. Cas noticed this reaction and looked down at Dean's wrist. “Give me the knife,” he requested softly and held out his other hand. 

Dean shook his head. “Cas, you don't get it,” he said. “It's the only thing I've felt in weeks.”

“You're not cold?” Cas asked knowing Dean would usually have a jacket on in temperatures like this.

“I don't really feel it. I don't feel much of anything anymore.” He avoided eye contact. He played with the grass beneath him. “I got fired for cussing out a customer. He said something nasty about gay folks and the skinny kid at work. The skinny kid wasn't gay. He just looks like he is. But it struck deep for me and I don't know why.” 

“Have you tried to figure out those feelings?” Cas asked carefully. “Why do you think it bothered you?”

“I don't know. The guy was being a jerk to everyone. He was a terrible customer every time he came in any way.” He put his chin on his knees. “Guess I just had enough of his shit.”

“Do you think there might be another reason?” Cas was watching Dean carefully. “Nothing you say will sound stupid to me.”

“Sure.” Dean got up and started to walk away. He didn't believe Cas. 

The sky was turning colors that Dean didn't notice. He just knew it was getting dark. Sam was texting him. Cas caught up to him.   
Cas stopped Dean by grabbing his hand. “Why?” Dean looked confused. “I know you, Dean. Why are you trying to deny how you feel? You do feel something. I'm just not sure what it is.” 

Dean looked at their hands. Cas had never done anything like this. He looked up and Cas had taken a small step closer. Dean hesitated. “I don't know how to say it.” 

“In all the time we've known each other, you've never been at a loss for words. How do you think I found you tonight?” Cas asked. 

“GPS on my phone? I know Sam turned it on. I'm not an idiot.” He was a little defensive. 

“I found you because I listen when you speak to me.” Cas watched Dean. “It's okay to be different. It's not okay to hurt yourself.” He motioned to the small wounds on Dean's wrist. “I wouldn't let Sam see them. He'll worry more.”

Dean nodded. “I don't want Sammy to worry about me.” Dean met Cas’s gaze. “Or you. You shouldn't worry about me either.”

“We do because we care. Are you saying we shouldn't care about you?” Cas didn't want to ask this question. He knew how Dean would answer. “Dean, you may not think you're worth it, but you are.”

Dean looked away. “Why do you care, Cas?”

“I don't think you're ready for the whole answer. You're my best friend,” he replied. “If it were me feeling like this, I know you would do everything you could to help me.”

Dean noticed how close he was to Cas. He looked up and the words got stuck in his throat. “Cas,” he choked on the words. “How do I feel better?”

“In my limited experience, I always had to deal with how I was feeling before things got better.” Cas put a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “But you don't have to deal with it alone.” 

Dean nodded and let Cas take him home. Dean tried to sort out his feelings in his head. Occasionally, he asked Cas a question. Sam greeted them at the door and hugged Dean. 

“Please don't do that again, Dean,” his brother requested. “Or at least let me know you're going somewhere.” 

Dean shrugged. “I went for a walk.” 

“You've been gone for hours.” Sam looked to Cas for help, but Cas shook his head. “You forgot your jacket. It's cold out.” 

“Not really.” Dean tried to get past the giant that was his brother. 

“Dinner. Come on. Cas, there's plenty of you'd like to stay.” Sam moved toward the kitchen.

Cas looked at Dean who nodded. “Thank you, Sam.”


	3. Chapter 3

Weeks went by and Dean appeared to be doing better. He wasn't sneaking off and hiding for hours at a time. He texted Cas regularly. He even got his appetite back some. 

He started a new job at a local mechanic shop. People at work knew him as the guy that didn't really talk much. He threw himself into work and for a while, things seemed to be better. 

Dean knew he never took Castiel’s advice about dealing with his feelings. Instead, he'd pushed them to the darkest corners of his mind so he didn't have to deal with them. One night, he drank more than he should have and the feelings began to slip back. 

Sam saw an instant change in Dean. He knew Dean shouldn't have had that fifth glass of whiskey. Sam sat there quietly wondering what to say. 

“Do you ever feel like you're supposed to be one thing but you're not so you feel like a failure? Like you let everyone down?” Dean asked. 

Sam said, “All the time.” The reply startled Dean and he realized he'd asked the questions out loud instead of in his head. “Doesn't mean you are a failure. It means that the people who don't accept as you are don't really care about you.” 

“What if it's not normal? What if it's something you've spent your whole life knowing is wrong?” Dean asked his brother.   
“Dean, whatever it is won't make me love you less. You're my brother.” Sam hoped Dean would tell him what was going on. 

“Yeah.” Dean seemed to be slipping back into his own head. “Uh, I gotta work tomorrow.” He filled his glass again and went to his room.

He sat on the bed. “No, I can't. Sam doesn't deserve that. I'm fine.” He lied to himself again. He checked his phone to find a new message from Cas. 

C: movies tomorrow?

D: gotta work. 

C: after?

D: sure I guess. Tell Sam so he doesn't worry again.

C: again? What happened?

D: I drank one too many. No big deal.

Cas didn't buy it, but he knew not to push. Instead, he decided to bring it up after the movie the next day. 

“I finally had a free afternoon. It's been awhile since we got to hang out,” Cas remarked. 

“I don't know how you do it. School and work? Makes me glad I didn't go to school.” Dean drove. He wasn't a fan of being driven around.

“Hey, what did you say to Sam last night? He sounded strange when I spoke to him.” Cas brought it up before they got to the movie theater. 

“Oh, it's nothing. I just had a few too many drinks is all.” Dean shut down.

“Dean, you promised me things were getting better.” Cas eyed him. “Show me your wrists.” 

Instead of shutting down again, Dean flipped over each wrist and showed Cas. There were new marks on both wrists. “Don't look at me like that.”

“How often?” he asked softly. 

Dean parked the car and put his hand to his mouth. He wiped his face. “Every few days.”

“Why?”

“So I can feel something. So I can eat. So I can pretend to be normal.” Dean tried to hide the pain but his eyes gave him away. 

“You're hurting.” Cas looked down. “I'm sorry I haven't been around much lately.” 

“It's not your fault. You have work and school.” Dean tried to seem like it didn't bother him. “Besides, I shouldn't be taking up so much of your time. You have other friends.”

Cas reached across and touched Dean's wrist lightly. “None who need me as much as you do. Dean, anytime you feel like doing this, please, call me or text me, something. Sam doesn't have to find out, but if you keep hiding this, he will find out. He's not stupid.”

A few moments of silence passed. “We don't have to see a movie. If you want to do something different, that's okay too,” Cas said. 

Dean shook his head and they went into the movie theater. During the movie in the darkness of the room, Dean reached out and took Castiel’s hand. Cas glanced down and smiled. 

The movie made Dean think. Why had he reached for Cas’s hand? What would Cas say? Thoughts like this raced through his mind so hard he walked right into a pole. 

“Hey, you okay?” Cas asked. He noticed other people staring and got Dean out the door to the car. “I think I should drive. You just hit your head pretty hard.”

“Nah, I'm fine.” Dean sat in the driver’s seat for a moment. “Sorry I held your hand.”

“Don't be.” Cas buckled up. “Dinner?”

They drove to a nearby Chinese place that was quiet. Dean ate quietly. Cas spoke up. “Why did you hold my hand?”

Dean looked like he wanted to run. “I don't know.” 

“Did it help?” Cas asked simple questions but he knew Dean was fighting something internally.

The other man shrugged. “I shouldn't have done it. It was stupid.” 

Cas frowned. He reached across the table and grabbed Dean's hand. “I don't think so.” Dean froze. “How do you feel?” 

“I-I don't know.” He kept his eyes on their hands. He felt uncomfortable but peaceful at the same time. He was nervous. Why was Cas doing this?

“When was the last time you dated anyone?” Cas let go of his hand and returned to his food. 

Dean felt panicky. He tried to focus on his food. “A couple years ago.” 

Cas changed the subject much to Dean's relief. After dinner, Dean drove back to his place since Cas had come over there. Dean leaned against his car not ready to go inside yet. 

“It's not wrong, you know,” Cas spoke quietly. 

Dean acted like he didn't know what Cas was talking about. “What isn't?”

“How you feel.” There wasn't much space between them. “It's not wrong to feel that way.” 

“I don't know what you're talking about.” Dean looked around. Cas grabbed his hand, and Dean's head whipped back to look at Cas. “What are you doing?” he whispered. 

“Is this why you've been hurting for so long?” Cas asked quietly. “Am I the reason?”

Dean shook his head. “No, I mean, Cas, it's not like that.” He hung his head. “I've never been with a guy. Besides, I don't want to mess up our friendship.”

“What if it doesn't mess it up?” Cas replied. He stepped a half step closer. “You don't deserve to be hurting because of feelings you have for me.”

“I didn't say that,” Dean breathed. 

“No? Then why did you hold my hand?” he asked again. 

Dean's chest was tight and his breath was light and shallow. His eyes focused on the lips in front of him. Cas leaned in, and Dean closed his eyes. Cas whispered against Dean's lips not quite touching them. “I thought so.” He kissed Dean who melted instantly. 

Dean felt warm all over when he was kissed. He felt peaceful. His head quieted down. The things he contemplated disappeared. The only thing that remained was Cas. 

Cas broke the kiss. “We don't have to go in if you don't want.” 

“I don't want to worry Sam.” He saw Cas glance up. “Don't tell me he's watching?” 

“How would that make you feel?” Cas looked at him. 

“Embarrassed.” Dean tried not to blush. 

“He's not watching, but you will need to tell him eventually. It's nothing to be embarrassed about, Dean.” Cas lightly kissed him again. 

Dean nodded and headed inside. He was almost happy.


	4. Chapter 4

Dean picked up Cas for their date. He hadn't told Sam yet. It was common for Dean and Cas to hang out so his brother never questioned it. 

Dean was nervous. Cas had said the whole evening was planned. Dean didn't like not knowing. Cas told him where to drive. Before dinner, they went to the cemetery. 

Dean parked and became worried. “Why are we here?” 

“Come on.” Cas got out of the car. He took Dean's hand and led him to the graves of his parents. 

“Cas, I don't want to be here,” Dean said uncomfortably. “Why are we here?”

“This is where you told me you were struggling. You didn't say it then, but I felt it. I felt how you hated yourself.” Cas looked at the graves. “Whatever they taught you isn't always the way things go. They did love you, and they would now if they were still here.” 

Dean struggled to hide how he felt. He didn't want to cry, but the tears were forcing themselves to the surface. “Dad would hate it. He would hate me.” 

“I don't think so. He always loved you even when you disobeyed him, right?” Dean nodded. “This is the same principle. Good parents always love their kids.”

Dean pushed back the tears. “You sound like a mom.”

“Then I'm certain I'm right. I believe Mary would agree with me and help John accept you as you are.” Cas took Dean's hand. “Bobby might have been tougher.”

Dean smiled. “Yeah, he'd have chased you off the porch.” 

Cas smiled. “Let's go.” They walked hand in hand back to the car. 

After dinner and dessert, Cas told Dean to drive to the park. Dean became uncomfortable again. He didn't question Cas, but he was visibly uncomfortable. 

Cas noticed Dean becoming more uncomfortable as they got to the park. “You were really upset when you were here. I thought we could make a new memory here.” 

They got out and Cas pulled a small shovel from his coat pocket. He also pulled out a pocket knife. “I know how much the one you used means to you. So this is symbolic. Pick a place to bury the knife.” 

Dean chose a spot beneath the tree he'd hidden in. Cas dug a small hole. “Here. Don't just bury the knife. Bury the need to hurt yourself.” Cas handed him the knife and lightly touched the scars. 

Dean covered up the knife and stood up. Cas held him from behind. “How does it feel?”

“Like a weight is gone. Cas,” he turned as he spoke and met Cas’s lips. “Thank you.”

They stood in front of Cas’s door. “Would you like a drink to celebrate what you did tonight?” 

Dean nodded and followed Cas inside. Cas fixed them both a drink. Dean felt awkward. He didn't know what to expect. Cas watched Dean drink his drink slowly. 

“You're stalling. What is it?” Cas asked. 

Dean looked around nervously. “What do you expect from me?” His glass had become fascinating. 

Cas stepped forward and put a hand on Dean's. “Respect and care. I want you to be open with me. What do you want of me?” 

Dean looked puzzled. He hadn't thought of that. “You've done so much already. Why would I want anything else?” 

Cas smiled softly. “I mean, do you want a relationship or a fuck buddy? Do you want me to be just your best friend or something more?” 

Dean searched the face in front of him. “I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to hurt you or Sam.” He closed his eyes. “But there's something more than friends between us.”

“Good.” Cas leaned in and kissed Dean. “I don't want you to hurt anymore either.” He kissed Dean again. 

Dean melted into his lover's arms. Cas moved slowly as not to startle Dean. He ran his hands lower down Dean's back and pulled him closer. Dean moaned lightly. Cas gripped Dean's ass causing Dean to moan again. 

Cas began kissing Dean's neck while Dean ran his hands beneath Cas’s shirt. Cas pulled one of Dean's hands down between his own legs to feel him. Dean shuddered. “Oh, Cas.” 

“Moving too fast?” Cas paused. He couldn't tell. “We can slow down.” 

Dean shook his head and kissed Cas again. Dean rubbed the man through his pants eliciting moans. Cas tugged off Dean's shirt and stared. “Like what you see?”

Cas paused noticing a small series of scars low on the exposed portion of Dean's hip. “This isn't the first time you've done it.” His voice was a whisper. 

Dean stepped back. “No, it's not. No one knew then. No one cared.” 

Cas touched each mark gingerly. “I care.” He met Dean's gaze. “You buried the knife tonight. You buried the need to do this.” Dean nodded. “Don't hide them from me.”

He pulled Dean back to him. He kissed the bare shoulders and neck. Dean kissed his lips. He needed Castiel. He kissed hungrily and removed Cas’s shirt. Cas undid Dean's pants and belt. He pressed against Dean and felt him hard and ready. 

Cas teased him with his hand earning him a gasp and moan. Dean tore into the other's pants, but Cas knew what he was doing. He pushed Dean toward the bedroom, kissing him and massaging him as they went. 

Dean removed his pants and boxers. Cas followed suit. “This will be different than what you're used to,” Cas warned. He knew Dean was new to this experience. Dean nodded. 

He kissed Dean on the lips and laid him back on the bed. He kissed down his torso pausing before the twitching erection. Dean looked down as Cas put his mouth around the head and gripped the base of his cock tightly. He moaned and grabbed the sheets. Cas bobbed slowly up and down teasing the shaft. Dean's hips bucked and he reached down to hold Cas in place. Cas allowed it for a moment, but then he pulled off. Dean stared hungrily at the nakedness of the man in front of him. 

Cas got off the bed and dug around in a drawer in the nightstand. While he dug around, he didn't see Dean move beside him. Dean pulled Cas to him, his mouth level with Cas’s dick. He reciprocated what he'd received, but the angle made him move slower. Cas held Dean's head and bucked his hips a few times. He pushed Dean back onto the bed. “Ready?” Dean nodded. He yelped when a cold finger slid into him. 

“Sh, relax, Dean, I need you to relax.” Cas leaned down and kissed Dean again. He moved down and sucked him a few times before adding a second finger. Dean moaned beneath Cas. A moment later, a third finger slipped in and stretched him out more. Dean gasped when Cas found his prostate. 

Cas smiled as he came up and removed the fingers allowing Dean to breathe for a moment. Then he slid in. Dean shook and tried to buck. Cas moved in and out slowly. Dean moaned and called his name. He pulled on the sheets beneath him. Cas picked up the pace. “Cas!” 

Cas gripped the base of Dean's twitching cock and moved his hand up and down the shaft keeping a firm grip. Dean was close. Cas leaned over, not losing his pace or grip and kissed Dean. Cas was almost to the edge, but he wanted Dean to come first. He kept kissing Dean as he thrust his hips and moved his hand. Cas thrust harder and harder each time. “Oh, Cas!” Dean released the sheets as come spilled down onto himself. Cas allowed himself to finish inside of Dean, lengthening Dean's orgasm.   
After a few breathless moments, Cas cleaned them both up and laid down beside Dean who cuddled up to him. Cas picked up his phone from the nightstand. 

C: Dean got drunk. He's crashing at my place.

S: okay take care of him. How is he?

C: he's fine. Didn't let him drive drunk. 

Sam seemed satisfied with the answer since he didn't text back. Dean watched Cas lie to his brother. “What? You did have a drink.” 

“Yeah, but Sam will know something is different.” Dean laid his head on Cas’s chest. “I don't want him to know yet.”

Cas kissed the top of Dean's head. “He doesn't have to know yet. How do you feel?”

Dean smiled. “Incredible. And hungry,” he added. 

Cas got up leaving Dean on the bed. He put on boxers and left the room. He came back momentarily with a pudding and a water. “Sit up and eat this.” 

Dean ate quietly and leaned up against the headboard. Cas could tell something was on his mind. “You did really good tonight.” 

“You did everything though,” Dean protested. “You planned the whole night. Wait, was sex planned?”

Cas laughed. “No, that wasn't planned. I never plan that. What I meant was you did well for your first time with a man.” 

Dean paused. His words failed him. Cas reached out for his hand. “I did?” It was hitting Dean that he'd just had sex with not just a guy but his best friend. He sat up and started breathing hard. 

Cas sat up beside him and turned Dean's face to his. “This whole evening was designed to help you be who you are. Freaking out after sex isn't who you are. It's who you used to be.”

Dean nodded. “Sorry, it's just a lot to adjust to.” 

“I know. That's why I wanted to take things slow. I didn't want you to bottom out this hard.” Cas pulled Dean's head to his chest. His heart rate and breathing were calm, and he knew it would help relax Dean.


	5. Chapter 5

Cas and Dean took things slowly after their first time. Dean was shaky in accepting himself. He constantly apologized, a habit Cas said he would break. 

Dean was getting better overall. He even made friends at work. “Going to the bar after work. Dean, wanna come?” Garth asked.

Dean had only heard part of what he'd said. “What?” 

“Head in the sand like usual. Deano, we're going to the bar after work. You in?” Cole spoke up. 

“Yeah.” Dean texted Cas to let him know about the invite. 

C: do you want me to be there?

D: they don't know.

C: don't drink too much. Call me if you do.

D: I will.

“Texting your girlfriend or your brother?” Cole asked. 

“Brother,” Dean lied. 

“He needs to lighten up. We’ll get you a girlfriend at the bar tonight.” He joked and laughed. 

Dean froze. He didn't want to tell the guys about Cas. He got nervous and texted Cas again. 

D: wish I was with you.

C: what happened? 

D: guys being guys. Don't worry about it.

Cole saw Dean freeze up but didn't say anything in front of the other guys. Cole and Dean had a break together. 

“Hey, if I cross a line, you'll let me know, right?” he asked. Dean nodded. “I got the feeling I might have back there.” 

Dean nodded. “I'm just not ready to tell anyone yet.”

“When do I get to meet him?” Dean's eyes went wide. “You're not the first guy to date a guy, and you won't be the last.” 

Dean fumbled with his food. “S-sam doesn't even know.” 

“I'm your friend, Dean. If your brother doesn't like it, I'll kick his ass myself.” Cole kept shoving food in his mouth. “This guy is obviously good for you. Hell, you weren't eating or talking when you started here. He makes you happy. That's what matters.”

Dean nodded and ate his food. “His name is Castiel, uh, Cas.” Dean pretended to be interested in his food. “You noticed all that?” 

“It's not my first rodeo.” Cole paused. “Old military buddy of mine went through something similar. He ended his life before I could help him. I saw the same signs with you.”

Dean knew Cole was a good guy. “Cas helped me.” He swallowed his food. “Don't tell anyone.”

“Don't do anything that would make me tell Sam or Cas.” They agreed to these terms. “Still coming to the bar?” Dean nodded. 

Later at the bar, Dean tried not to talk to anyone except his friends. Girls would come up and hit on him and Cole, the better-looking guys in the group. Cole turned all of them down. 

“But I promise, Garth is a fun time.” He turned the last one on Garth who was grateful. “So, how long you think you can hold out on telling your brother?”

“Not here, man.” Dean drank his beer. 

“No one can hear us. Deano, you're having trouble even pretending now.” Cole looked over to see Garth making out with one of the girls. “We’ve been hit on all night and you can't even speak.”

“So? I don't talk much.” Dean was getting annoyed. “Besides, I looked. Isn't that all they want anyway?”

“Some of them sure, but the one Garth got wants to get laid.” Cole nodded in Garth’s direction. “Look, you can't fake it. The least you can do is be honest with your brother.”

Dean buried himself in his beer and several more after that. Cole realized how many Dean had drunk and snagged his phone. He saw the text from Cas and called him. 

“Dean? Is everything alright?”

“Cas, this is Cole. I'm a friend of Dean's from work. I think you should come pick him up. He's had quite a few to drink.” Cole gave Cas the information for the bar. 

Cole was outside with Dean when Cas pulled up. Cole helped Dean into the car. “What happened?”

“We were talking and I asked when he was telling Sam about you two. He couldn't even fake it with the ladies. In fact, he shut down so bad he didn't say a word to anyone but me.” Cole glanced at Dean who had passed out in the car. “He told me he would tell me if I overstepped.”

“He told you about us?” Cas looked back at Dean. “He has trust issues.”

Cole shook his head. “I figured it out. He was acting weird after a joke I made. So on our break, I asked him when would I get to meet you.” 

Cas was confused. “Why would you want to meet me?”

“He's my friend, Cas. You make him happy. That's hard to do when someone is depressed like Dean's been.” Cole shook his head at the obvious question on the other man's face. “No, I just know what it looks like.” 

“Oh. Thank you for calling me. He may not be happy that you did,” Cas warned. 

“I'm glad I could help. He can be mad at me all he wants. I'm still going to look out for him.” Cole promised Cas.


	6. Chapter 6

Dean was mad. “He had no right!” 

“I'm glad he called. You passed out as soon as we put you in the car.” Cas stepped closer and softened his tone. “Why didn't you call me?” 

Dean avoided eye contact. “Didn't want you to see me like that.” 

“As opposed to any other time I've seen you? Babe, I need to see you at your best and at your worst. I need to know how to help you or be there for you at any time.” Cas held Dean's hands. “Don't be mad at Cole. He was only looking out for you.” 

Dean breathed deeply. “Fine. But he pushed me to tell Sam.” 

“Cole’s a good friend to you. You’ll tell Sam when you're ready.” Cas was confident Sam had already figured it out but respected Dean. “How's your head?”

Cas took care of Dean who had the day off. Dean agreed not to be mad at Cole anymore. “I think I should tell Sam. We won't be able to get away with me being over here so often if I don't.” 

Just then Sam called. Dean glared at the phone. “Shut up,” he said to a smiling Cas. 

“Hey, Dean. You need to come home.” Sam sounded upset. 

“Sammy, what's wrong?” Dean asked. He was instantly concerned.

“Just come home. We need to talk.” 

Dean hung up. Cas was staring at him. “Sam sounds upset. You didn't say anything to him, did you?” 

“No, do you want me there?” Dean shook his head. “Let me know if you need me.”

Dean hesitated before opening the door. Whatever had Sam upset was bad. “Sam?”

Sam was sitting at the table. “Dean, do you remember the last time Jody checked in on us?” Dean nodded, not liking the look on Sam's face. “There's a reason she hasn't checked in on us in a while.” Sam choked. “She was murdered. The police think it was the same person that killed Bobby. I didn't want to tell you over the phone.”

“No, I'm glad you didn't.” Dean sank down in a chair next to his brother. 

“How's Cas?” he asked. 

“Alive.” Dean started shutting down. Sam saw it happening, but he knew he couldn't do anything. “When did she die?”

Sam looked like he was still trying to accept Jody was dead. “Two days ago. The police found our names as emergency contacts. I told them I would tell you.”

“When’s her funeral?” Dean couldn't believe the woman he saw as his second mom was gone. 

“Tomorrow.” Sam was quiet. 

Dean got up and headed for the door. “I'll be back.” Sam nodded. 

Dean sat in his car and contemplated what he should do. He should call Cas, but he didn't want him to worry again. Cas had done so much for him. This wasn't his to bear. 

Loss had always affected Dean deeply, more so when it was close to home. They were supposed to go to Jody’s for Christmas. Dean wiped his face and the tears from the corners of his eyes. He drove to the park not sure what to do.

He went to his tree and saw the spot where he'd buried the knife with Cas. The real knife was of course in his pocket. He climbed the tree. His phone buzzed while he climbed. By the time he reached his spot, he had missed the call from Cas. 

He looked out over the park. It was peaceful and beautiful. “I'm going to miss you, Jody.” A tear slid down his face. His phone rang again, but he ignored the call from Sam. 

Dean relived memories of happier times in his head. He closed his eyes and could see his mom and dad, Bobby, and Jody. Part of him knew he could be happy again, but in that moment, he didn't see how. All he saw was pain and death. 

He decided to call Cas back. The call went to voicemail. Dean felt rejected. He took the knife from his pocket and stared at it. He didn't even get a text from Cas. When Cas missed his calls, he would text him. “Yeah,” he stared at the phone. “Where are you when I need you?” 

He felt the familiar darkness seeping in. He knew that soon only pain would make him feel again. It was getting dark. He hadn't realized he'd been in the tree most of the day. He didn't care either. 

He made the call into work to reschedule his shifts. “A family friend passed away.” He heard himself say the words, but there was no emotion behind them. He was already completely shut down. 

Cole tried calling him moments after he had hung up with work. He ignored that call too. Cole sent him a condolences text which Dean didn't reply to. 

“Mom, dad, Bobby, now Jody? Hell, I might as well be next,” he muttered to himself. 

He opened the knife. “This one's for you, Jody.” He dug the blade into his hip near the other marks and drew a thin line. He twirled the tip of the blade on his arm. The cold metal looked enticing. He drew a few small lines on his wrist.

A noise below him got his attention. He saw Cas as he was drawing another line along his wrist. This one cut a little deeper than intended. Dean didn't think it was too bad. He knew Cas would make him come down from the tree and began climbing down on his own. 

“I called you. You didn't call me after you spoke to Sam.” Worry was evident his eyes. “Why are you here? What happened?”

Dean looked away. “Why does it matter?” 

“Dean, it matters. You matter,” Cas was confused. 

“I called you and it went to voicemail. I needed you, Cas.” Dean turned away from him. “It doesn't matter now.” 

Cas reached out for Dean's wrist and felt something warm and liquidy. “What did you do?” He examined the injury. “Let me take you to my place.”

“I don't want to go anywhere.” Dean looked around. “I can't go home. Sam is there. He lost her too. I can't go to your place. I'm just a burden to you. I'm broken.” 

Cas turned Dean to face him. “You're not broken or a burden. Why would you ever think you are?” 

Dean stared at the ground. “You didn't answer when I needed you.” He lifted his shirt. “That one is Jody.” His voice was flat and emotionless.

“Dean, I'm sorry I didn't answer. I had a meeting with my advisor. She doesn't allow phones.” Cas realized the blood from Dean's wrist was staining his clothes now. “Come with me.”

He shook his head. “I need to pack. Her funeral is tomorrow. It's a four-hour drive.” 

“You need your spare jeans you left at my place. You have blood on yours.” Cas insisted Dean go home with him. “I can drive you to her funeral.” 

He shook his head. “Too many questions from Sam.” 

Cas took Dean home and cleaned up his wounds. Dean looked annoyed and emotionless at the same time. He changed into his spare clothes he kept at Cas’s place. 

“Sam won't question the clean clothes, will he?” Cas asked. 

Dean shrugged. “If he does, I could just tell him you fucked me silly. That would shut him up.”

Cas pursed his lips. “As much as I want you to tell him, that is not how you should nor is this the time. Dean, you just lost your second mother.” 

“Yeah, well, nothing will bring her back,” he said sourly. He sighed. “She would have loved you.”

Cas looked a little shocked by the statement. “Why do you say that?”

He shrugged. “You saved me. You keep saving me. Jody was the only other one who saw through me like you do.” He looked at Cas earnestly. “Don't die on me. I wouldn't be able to handle it.” 

Cas held Dean. “I don't plan on it.”


	7. Chapter 7

Dean drove in silence all the way to the funeral. Jody didn't have any family left. She had one sort of adopted daughter, Claire, who had made the arrangements. Dean hung on the outskirts of the people at the funeral. It was mostly locals and cops. Jody had been the sheriff and was well liked by all. Sam mingled. He had stood beside Claire the whole time. 

“Dean.” Claire approached him after the funeral. “Did you want a private goodbye?” She had been crying. The girl was barely eighteen. 

He nodded and walked toward the casket. “You should know,” Claire added. “She left the house in your name, in case something,” she choked on her words. 

Dean wrapped the girl in a hug. “It's your house, Claire,” he said quietly. 

“How do you do it?” Claire cried quietly. “How do you cope?”

Dean looked down and the girl. “I'm not the right person to ask. Maybe Sam…”

“He suggested you.” Her eyes were filled with pain. “Said you knew more about loss than anyone.” 

“I have help,” he admitted quietly. “Cas helps me keep all the crazy at bay. What about your family?”

“They're dead too. Jody,” her voice broke. “She was my mom really.” She wiped tears from her face.

“It hurts the worst when you're alone. Days or even weeks from now, you won't even realize it until it hits you. You'll want to tell her a joke or something that happened in your day. That's when it hurts the worst when no one sees it or feels it but you.” Dean had a tear in his eye. “That's when you need to reach out for help.” 

Her eyes caught sight of the bandage on his wrist. “You don't always do that, do you? Take your own advice?” 

“It's complicated, Claire. Like I said I'm not a good example.” He turned away from her and walked toward the hole in the ground. The casket had been lowered already. Words failed him. 

Dean was quiet on the way back home. Sam decided it was time they talked. “What did Claire say?”

“Jody left me the house.” Dean kept his eyes on the road. “Claire can stay as long as she wants.” 

“She asked me how to deal with loss. I pointed her to you,” Sam admitted. 

“She's a tough kid. She'll be fine.” Dean absentmindedly scratched at his wrist. 

“What happened there?” Sam asked. 

“Nothing. Just snagged my hand on something at work,” Dean lied. 

“Okay.” Sam didn't believe him. “So what else are you lying to me about?”

“Sam, don't go there.” Dean tensed up. 

Sam watched his brother. “What am I supposed to think? You lie to me about whatever you've done to your wrist. You disappear all the time.” He was frustrated. “I just don't want you to be the next box I have to see in the ground.” His voice was softer. 

“Don't worry about me, Sammy.” Dean thought of Cas. How would he react if Dean died? 

“How? How do I not worry? Cas is the only person who can get through to you. I'm your brother.” Sam looked out the window. “You used to trust me.” 

“I do trust you. Cas gets through to me because we've been seeing each other.” Dean waited for some kind of fallout. He waited for his brother to turn into his dad. 

“Oh.” Sam was taken by surprise. “I thought he was just letting you get drunk all the time.”

Dean almost smiled. “That was Cas’s lie. I haven't drunk as much as he lets on. You're not mad?”

Sam looked confused. “Why would I be mad? If he makes you happy, that's good.” Sam paused for a moment. “If Cas gets through to you, what really happened to your arm?”

“Sam, please, don't.” 

“Dean, I'm your brother. I deserve to know. I need to know what's going on with you. You've been shifty for months.” Dean hated that Sam was right. 

“I don't know what's been going on, to be honest.” Dean tried to put into words the last several months, but he couldn't. “Look, it's hard to explain.”

Sam watched Dean carefully. “Whatever it scares you.”

“Yeah,” he tried not to let it show. “Can we talk about something else?”

“Yeah, how did Cole from your work get my number?” Sam sounded weird. “He texted me when he couldn't get ahold of you.”

“Dammit, how many numbers did he steal from my phone?” Dean muttered. Sam chuckled. “It's not funny,” he growled.


	8. Chapter 8

Things had gotten better since he had told Sam that he and Cas were dating. Dean felt less pressure in his chest and head. It was still there threatening to come racing back at a moment's notice. Dean was aware the dark thoughts in his head were barely kept at bay. 

Cas was there for Dean more during his last semester. He was only focusing on his thesis. Dean was happy for a while. 

One day, Claire called. “Dean?” Her voice was shaky.

“Claire, what's wrong?”

Her voice was low and quiet. “The quiet moment happened, and I,” she sobbed. “I couldn't take it. There's blood everywhere.” 

“Call 911. I'll be there as soon as I can.” He waited until she promised to call 911 before hanging up. 

Dean was kicked the nearest thing to him and punched the nearest wall. Cole came up to him. “It's my fault,” Dean said. 

“It can't be. You didn't make that decision.” Cole had become a shift manager recently. He had control over the schedule. “Go take care of it.”

Dean looked at Cole. “She's just a kid. I'm not who she needs to help her through this.”

“She called you.” Cole gave him a look. “That means she wants help. You call Cas when you need him. This kid called you. Go help her.”

Dean nodded and left the shop. When he was in his car he texted Cas. He called Sam to let him know what was going on. 

He picked Cas up. “How did you know I needed help?” he asked.

Cas looked at him. “I could see your pain. You weren't as down when we met, but after we got closer, I could tell a difference. You changed.”

“I feel it all the time, like it can come back at any second. It's just sitting there in the back of everything else waiting to bring me down.” Dean admitted. 

“Let's go see Claire.” Cas put his hand on Dean's. “She needs you now.”

When they parked at the hospital, Dean pulled out his knife. “Dean, no,” Cas sounded worried. He grabbed Dean's knife hand. “You don't need to do that.”

“It's not for me this time. Cas, Claire needs to know she's not alone. She needs to know she doesn't have to go through this alone.” Without hesitation, Dean drew a small line with the knife across his skin. “Stop worrying about me.” 

Cas stared at the new mark on his boyfriend’s arm. He realized what it meant. “Dean, promise me this one is the last one? I love you too much to lose you.” Cas said the words without thinking. He realized what he'd said. “I know you're not ready to say it yet.”

“You love me?” Dean was stunned by this. Cas nodded. “I won't promise it's the last one.” Dean looked down. “I don't want to lie to you. It's hard to deal with. It really is, but being with you, it helps more than you'll ever know.”

“Then try not to do it, for me,” Cas requested softly. Dean nodded. 

Dean left Cas outside of Claire’s room. He wanted to speak to her alone first. He had never been close with her. He really only knew her as Jody’s adopted kid. 

“Hey, kid,” Dean said as he sat in the chair beside the bed. “Want to talk about it?”

“Not really.” She looked away. “I miss her.” He could hear the pain in her voice. 

“I miss her too.” Claire looked at Dean. “She was the only one before Cas that knew about this.” Dean showed Claire the scars on his wrist. 

“That one’s fresh. Is that my fault?” She was scared. 

Dean took Claire’s hand in his. “No, it's not your fault, Claire. I wanted to show you that you're not alone.” 

“How do you do it? How do you deal?” Tears slid down her face.

“I don't.” She was confused. “Not really. When I do, it's not healthy. I told you at the funeral I was a bad example.” He tried to fake a smile. “Truth is without Cas I wouldn't be here.” Dean hadn't said this outloud to anyone, not even himself. 

“I don't have anyone like that.” Claire stared at the blanket. “Dean, can I...can I stay with you and Cas for a while?” She sounded unsure of how Dean would respond. She was afraid to meet his gaze, but she made herself.

“Let me ask Cas first. If not, I can come stay with you.” Dean didn't want Claire to feel like he had been feeling. 

“I can't stay there. Everything reminds me of her and that she's gone.” Her voice shook. She took a deep breath to steady herself. “You can sell the house. I just can't stay there anymore.”

“I'll be right back.” He squeezed her hand and left the room. “Cas.”

“How is she?” He noticed Dean's face. “How are you?”

“She's scared and hurting and alone. She asked if she could come stay with us. I didn't have the heart to tell her we don't live together,” Dean confessed. “I don't want to leave her alone.”

“We can take her home. She doesn't have to be alone,” Cas reassured a worried Dean. 

“Home?” 

Cas shrugged. “Move in with me? I've been trying to find a way to ask you, but I don't think there's a better way.” 

Dean smiled and kissed Cas. “Claire too?” Cas nodded. “Come meet her.”

Dean stayed with Claire while she was in the hospital. The doctor said she had to stay for a couple of extra days because self mutilation was considered a suicide attempt. This news made Dean uncomfortable. 

Cas had driven back to set up a place for Claire. He had a large apartment with two bedrooms. He'd intended on finding a roommate, but grad school had kept him busy. He picked them up when the hospital released Claire. 

“So how do I tell Sam I'm moving in with you?” Dean asked Cas. 

“Would you be mad if I already told him?” Cas asked carefully.

Dean thought for a second. “Saves me the trouble. Did you?”

Cas looked nervous. “It might have slipped out. Don't look at me like that. He already gave me the brother talk.” 

“What's that? Hurt him and I'll hurt you crap?” Claire piped up. 

“Exactly.” Cas glanced back at Claire who gave him a look saying it went for her as well. 

Dean caught the look in his mirror. “Don't threaten him, Claire. You're moving in too.” 

She sat quietly in the backseat. “Can we just leave my stuff at Jody’s?” She fiddled with her bandage. 

“You need your things. We can help you get them.” Dean reassured her she wouldn't be alone. 

Claire moved slowly through each room at the house she'd shared with Jody. She had really loved her like she had really been her mom. Cas packed Claire’s room for her. Dean found Claire in Jody’s bedroom. 

“Did you really mean it when you said Cas saved your life?” She asked quietly. 

“Yes.” Dean sat beside her on the bed. “He doesn't know it, but he did. There was one day I climbed this tall tree in the park. I sat up there for hours. I thought to myself ‘I'll just slit my wrists and fall from the tree once it's dark, and that will end it all.’ Cas found me before I had done anything. I don't know how he found me or why he did right when he did.” Dean looked at Claire. “Claire, I shouldn't have let you see my wrist at the funeral. I let my problems get to you.”

“No, you didn't. I'd already been thinking about it after I got the news about Jody. I, uh, I had to identify her body.” Claire took a deep breath. “That was harder than putting her in the ground.” She wiped a tear away hastily. “I think she's haunting the house, telling me to join her.” 

“Jody would never want that.” Dean looked around. “But I know what you mean. The voices almost like echoes in your head tell you how to feel, what to do.” She stared at him. “It's happened to me too.” 

Cas finished packing Claire’s things and they headed home. Claire was quiet the whole way. Cas was unusually quiet too. 

Dean confronted Cas once they had gotten Claire settled in. “How much did you hear?”

“Dean, why didn't you tell me about the park? I took you there on our first date.” Cas put his hand on his head and the other on his hip. Dean knew this was Cas freaking out. 

“I didn't tell you because it had only been a thought. I didn't do it, and I never thought about doing it again.” Dean couldn't meet his gaze. “The voices, I didn't think you would believe me. Hell, it happened to me and I still don't believe it.”

Cas searched Dean's face. “I almost lost you before I had the chance to love you,” he whispered. “Would you have told me if I hadn't overheard you?”

Dean shifted his weight. “Maybe one day. It was hard to tell her, but she needed to know how bad it can get and that she can survive.”

“You did.” Cas pulled Dean closer to him. “You found a way to be happy again, Dean.” He kissed Dean lightly. “Don't forget that.”

Dean returned the kiss. Cas deepened it. “We have another person in the house now,” Dean whispered. 

“We can be quiet.” Dean gave Cas a look. “I can be quiet. You, not so much.” 

Claire knocked on the door. “Hey, Sam called. Dinner at his place?” She saw Cas’s hand on Dean's ass. “Gross. You stay. I'll go eat with Sam.” She slammed the front door to let them know she was gone. 

“What do you want to do for the first night in our home?” Cas asked Dean. 

Dean kissed Cas and ran his hand between Cas’s legs eliciting a soft moan. “I have a few ideas,” Dean whispered with warm breath against Cas’s neck. 

Cas kissed Dean forcefully and backed him up against the wall. Cas ground his hips against Dean's. Dean moaned. Their shirts came off in a frenzy of kisses. Cas moved down and undid Dean's pants, dropping them to the floor. He could see a wet spot forming on Dean's boxers. 

Cas exposed the cock and teased it. He tore the boxers to the floor. He gripped the throbbing erection at the base and closed his mouth around the head. Dean gripped Cas’s shoulders and bucked as he swore colorfully and called his lover's name. 

Cas pulled off slowly, glancing up at Dean's face. He reached up and started slowly fingering his entrance. Dean gasped. He hadn't realized Cas had lubed up. Cas slipped in a second finger. Dean bucked. When all three fingers hit his prostate, Dean almost came. “Cas,” he said breathlessly as his eyes rolled back. 

Cas removed his fingers. He turned Dean to face the wall. Dean braced himself with one arm. Cas slipped inside and moved slowly at first. “I'm almost there,” Dean warned Cas. He knew Cas wasn't close. 

Cas picked up the pace and thrust harder, pounding Dean into the wall. He now needed both arms for support. Cas did something unexpected. It caught Dean off guard so he didn't come yet. 

Cas pulled Dean away from the wall and removed himself. He spun Dean around and kissed him again. Dean reached down and moved his hand up and down Cas’s shaft. Cas kissed him hungrily, demanding more. He moved them to the bed. 

With Dean's knees bent, Cas forced himself in hard and fast, taking Dean by surprise. He kept a fast pace. Dean moaned and dug his fingers into Cas’s back. Cas pulled back and moved to the side of the bed where he could move faster. Skin slapped skin loudly as Cas moved as fast as he could. Dean swore and grabbed the sheets. “Oh, Cas!” he shouted numerous times. 

Cas reached down and pulled on the exposed cock. Dean’s eyes rolled to the back of his head and he arched his back uncontrollably. Dean cried out one last time as he climaxed hard, spilling all over himself. Seeing Dean's eyes roll to the back of his head made Cas climax too. 

The two were a breathless, messy heap of entangled arms and legs. Cas cleaned them both up. Dean watched him tug on a pair of boxers. Cas was preoccupied with cleaning up that he didn't see Dean reach out for him. Dean pulled him to the bed and stared at him. “I love you, Cas.”

Cas frowned. “After sex doesn't count.” 

Dean smiled. “It does to me, especially when I've been thinking about it all day.” 

“You have?” Cas questioned. 

“Actually, I've been thinking about it since I told Claire you saved my life. How else do I explain how I feel for you? You're the only one who really gets me.” Dean was sincere. “So, yes, I love you is okay even after sex.”

Cas kissed Dean. “I love you too.”


	9. Chapter 9

A year went by without incident for Dean and Claire. She had moved in with Sam just a few months after moving in with Dean and Cas. “You guys are so gross. All over each other all the time,” she huffed and threw her hands up. “I already talked to Sam. He'll keep an eye on me, and I'll only be across town.” 

Sam had graduated college and had been accepted into law school. Cas had finished his master's degree. Claire had enrolled in the police academy. Dean was happier than ever. 

He handed Claire a folder. They met up a few times a week to eat dinner. “What's this?” She asked as she opened the folder. “No, no, I can't, Dean.”

“You don't have to go back. It's there if you ever need a place to stay. I couldn't bring myself to sell it. So I signed it over to you.” Dean nodded toward the deed to Jody’s house. “She'd be proud of you, following in her footsteps.”

Claire blushed and pushed the hair out of her face. “When are you asking him?” 

Dean opened his mouth to say something then closed it. “Tomorrow night.” 

She furrowed her brow. “On the anniversary of when he saved you?” Dean and Claire had become close, like siblings. Dean nodded. “He'd better say yes.” She saw Dean's face pale. “I mean, he will. He'll definitely say yes. He'd be stupid not to.” 

“You graduate from the Academy tomorrow too,” Dean said. “I took the day off work to be there.” 

She frowned. “They're only letting the family in.”

“Hey, we are family. Sam and I will be there. I am pretty sure Cas is stuck at work. Besides, you told the doctor at the hospital I was your step-brother.” He looked at her pointedly. 

She smiled knowing she was accepted and loved. “I want you to pin me.” 

“I’d be honored.” He smiled proudly at the girl he saw as his sister.


End file.
